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Wednesday, 23 April 2008

i have not been on in a while...things in life are okay. still not feeling my best but very happy with caleb and thats good...friends are good to. family...welll what do u expect from them....

not much to say jst...im okay

Wednesday, 12 March 2008

cant breath

I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread

the song kinda discribes how im feeling....but not in detail....... =( **sigh**

Wednesday, 05 March 2008

just venting

i would have to say myself it is time to talk. or at the least it is time to say everything that comes to mind in one long confusing journal to which will prolly not even make sence to me .......but im going to take a sad attempt to make it all make sence and just to get in out in hopes of keeping it from coming back......

I have been depressed on and off everyday for the past...lets say about 3 weeks...its been hard to breath and hard to accually focus ont he things i need to focus on to get through my day....i cant seam to talk to anyone beacues i have this overwelming fear that they are gonna jst say "oh that suxz" or say nothing and rush away.....or kinda leave me there alone.... i jst i want to talk and i want to vebt but im dont wanna bring others down withmy...i dont wanna be the reason someones good mood was killed cuz i have to much going on.. i dont wann hurt anyone else.....

i feel like i fuck everything up...kinda like i cant do n e thing right....i feel like everytime im happy i fuck it up...or i cant getgood grades cuz i dont try hard enoguh....like i am never going to amount to anyhting and i will just slowly waste away to nogthing.....but i have so many dreams and plans for myself....but i just kno someone like me could neverachive these goals cuz im just not good enoguh.....i will never make my mother proud of me...not after all i have done to fuck up...and my step dad wants little tonothing to do with me....abnd i want that father figure there...i want to have a daddy to care about me......my dad didnt want me...he didnt stick around to see me grow up and go to prom or graduate....he left me home alone as a ababy and beat mymommy and was a sick sick mand..... but now i wont have someone give me away at my wedding cuz my step dad hates me and my real dad left me and....thats if i find a guy who wants to marry me....yes i am aware i am only 17 and i have plenty of time to find someone to love me....but .......if only someone could understand i wanna feel loved i wanna feel like i matter............ cuz as much as ppl say i matter i dont feel like i do.....and i jst.....gerrrrrrr.....i feel so worthels...i thought i defeted the monster of this over welming deppression... i look into the mirror and honestly i think wow that is the uglyest fucking thing i have ever seen....im fat and worhtless and ugly.... and i am a waste of perfectly good space to this place we call home..................................................

i felt better i felt in controle and now i am spiraling backward....falling and reaching out to save mself and yet i dont hold on tight enough.....,i thourgh beat this...i thorugh i was going to be okay....i thought wow for once in my life i am gonna be okay..... and for a long time there i was okay...i stuggle with deppression on and off but who donest.....sometimes i really do think there is something wrong with me cuz no matter how happy life is going for me or how happy ppl around me are i get sad.....really sad for no reason at all and i wanna feel happy i wanna feel in controel i dont wanna hear my deaomons wispearing in my ear im here just use me..once just one time thats all u need to make it go awya...come on kaula just use me......but i cant i am too stubborn to give in...but with everyday that passes i have to fight harder and i have to work harder to not go back and to no cut and to not cry...i have to fight everyday........

i try to help tiff and ray but that is a hopless cause and comsumes much of my time and energy.....im worried about katrina and ally and whwre life is going to take them...and ift they will ever stop being with these abusive guys who hurt them over and over...and i sooooo badly wanna show them wats its doing but thats there lesson to learn on thier time..... and its just ....soooo hard!!!!!! i just dont knwo what to do with myself n e more....i dont kno where to turn..... every where i think i could turn im to scared to lean on them cuz i kno they are not strong enough to help to hold me up and it would kill me to bring them down even futher then they already are....

i know i can defeat this and i kno i can get trhough this but it is so hard!!!! i just wish it would all go away and god would let me be happy........i wish he didnt have to teach me so much so close to gether......i kno this all has a purpose....and i know i wont give up..... i am so close to a bran new day...i will get through ......but ........i just dont kno how much long i can fight..........................

Monday, 25 February 2008

????

What do you do when the person who hurt you most is the one lookin back at you in the mirror???

Sunday, 10 February 2008

the past few months have been tough but im getting through them. loseing chuck was hard but it made me a better person in the long run. joe treats me better then anyone has ever treated me and i can tell him anything. he makes me happy and i am glad i found him.
it has been months without my addiction and even tho everyday is a stuggle i know i wont turn back. i can move on and do this. i am a fighter. nothing will keep me down forever....i am ment to make it i belive in god but i dont belive in the hyipicritical church...i belive god put me here to help others...i belive i can do this!
my way is good. im happy <3 and for once... i belive in myself.
My hair's a wreck
Mascara runs
My feet get dirty
And my skin burns in the sun.
My lips they bleed
But I still sing my songs.
Takes me a minute
To admit it when I'm wrong.

Pretty is as pretty does,
But pretty's not my thing.

This is what you get.
This is who I am.
Take me now or leave me
Any way you can.
Sometimes I trip and fall
But I know where I stand.
If you're thinking bout a change in my direction,
Don't mess with imperfection.

My back is weak,
But my will is true.
Got good intentions
But I never follow through.
I say too much,
And don't know when to leave.
In case you're looking,
That's my heart there on my sleeve.

Ego trips and stupid slip ups,
I'm a mess but

This is what you get.
This is who I am.
Take me now or leave me
Any way you can.
Sometimes I trip and fall
But I know where I stand.
If you're thinking bout a change in my direction,
Don't mess with imperfection.

Scratched and bruised,
A little used,
But baby I work fine.
You might call me
Damaged goods,
But I'm one of a kind.

My hair's a wreck,
No I'm not perfect
But I'm not the only one.

This is what you get.
This is who I am.
Take me now or leave me
Any way you can.
Sometimes I trip and fall
But I know where I stand.
If you're thinking bout a change in my direction,
Don't mess with imperfection.
This is who I am.
If you're thinking bout a change my direction,
Don't mess with imperfection